Like everyone else I have been gripped with fear. I have been anxious, sometimes afraid and just filled with worry. I had somehow expected that we would have been past the worst of this by now. When the first case of COVID-19 was diagnosed in Jamaica, I approached it with the same attitude I would a hurricane. Make your preparations, set your mind to deal with the consequences and just wait, it wont be long.
This is not what I expected. I feel as if I have been waiting on the arrival of a disaster for two whole months. Almost as if someone told me we were going to experience a category five hurricane, three months in advance. I have visited the supermarket much more than in necessary. I made sure my lamp had kerosene oil and I had candles and batteries. Then I said to myself, wrong disaster and went to the pharmacy to buy vicks and cough syrup. I bought extra disinfectant, extra lysol, extra hand sanitizer and finished my usual supply plus the extra and then I went back to the supermarket for more. Still, I am waiting on the disaster.
My mind found it hard to accept that this is it. I use to get into my car and just visit the pharmacy to check out the over the counter medication just in case there was something I could buy that would work against COVID-19. Finally, I had nothing else to do on the road and I had to sit down. I watched Netflix, Amazon Prime, YouTube, regular cable, too much news. I baked and cooked too much, of course ate too much and couldn’t sleep. My plans to read novel after novel, finish the corrections for my PhD research, all fell by the wayside. All I could do was wait.
In many ways I am still struggling. Trying to get out of the mode of sitting and waiting for my version of the disaster. Trying to pull myself out of my wait and my incessant worry. Meditating, getting back to my yoga practice. Writing even for a half an hour. Forcing myself to imagine best case scenarios. Looking for the silver lining, finding my rainbow. Some days are more hopeful. My happy moments are now longer and occur more frequently. COVID-19 will no doubt take a toll on all of us. But I have this feeling that we will survive. It will be an important part of the human story not the end.
I am approaching another weekend. I am making it my intention to look forward to the weekend. To Sunday and the start of the week. I promise to notice the days.